Esprit d’Escalier is a French phrase, which refers to the feeling of suddenly realizing what we ought to have said in response to someone else’s comment, but too late, only after we have have moved on from where the interaction took place. The origin of this term comes from Denis Diderot’s description of the humiliation he felt with the realization that he was the sort of man who could only think of a relevant thing to say after a conversation was over and he was standing at the bottom of the stairs having left a party.
At PsychCentral, the managing editor warns that it’s “sneaky rumination” when people replay conversations in their heads, wondering what they should have said that they didn’t think of at the time. On the other hand, wouldn’t it be pathologically unreflective for somebody not to contemplate what they might have said after being left speechless? An even worse plan for when you’re at a loss for words is proposed by Elite Daily. The pop culture web site suggests that you memorize 21 catchphrases from well-known television shows to fill in the gap.
What if we left these conversational conundrums alone? If we were to contemplate why we had no easy, adequate response to what another person had to say, we might identify some blind spots in our mental models of the world and of ourselves.
Why do we reproach ourselves for failing to come up with responses to what other people say? As adults, we like to believe that we are full human beings, completed, having long since mastered the art of living, unlike all these other fools around us. We’re shocked by our lack of preparation for any eventuality, embarrassed by the realization that we can’t do it all.
An esprit d’escalier is a tease in time, a realization that we possess the wit to be clever in conversation, to win the game of repartee, but too late to do anything about it. Take heart. Esprit d’espalier is the sign that your mind has moved to a different level. While conscious brain found itself stymied, your unconscious self got to work thinking seriously about what had happened. That snappy comeback didn’t just pop into your head, really. You only needed to allow the issue to move into your cognitive background, away from the anxiety of your direct awareness.
